I am sharing this letter I sent to my close group of friends in June of 2014 because there’s a lot of people on my social media feed that are grappling with some form of grief, loss and/or depression. In hindsight, I wish I had sought the help of a therapist. I left out the two failed IVF attempts, I was not ready to share my battle with infertility. If you are going through depression, get help and know that you are not alone.
Sorry I’ve been in hiding, crying, depressed, hoping to keep it together so I don’t cry at work. I just returned from a writing workshop at UC Berkeley and I have not cried since I left on June 22, I feel so good. I think I needed to get away from everything and focus on writing – I was exhausted every day, I thought I’d be able to take a few trips to SF and explore northern CA, I got so invested in what I was doing that I left the campus once to go to the faculty reading. I attached what I workshopped and at the end of the email is the teacher’s feedback (he is a well regarded author and his memoir is a must read).
The reason for my depression;
Shortly after my mother died my godmother also passed away – she was one of my mother’s closest friends as a teenager and also my father’s sister – my parents met because of her. I didn’t realize how much her death affected me, I was planning on interviewing her, spend time with her asking her questions about my mother and their friendship.
One of my best friends (not copied here, please don’t send this to her) is also battling cancer it has spread to so many places, I’m praying for a miracle for her.
One of Matt’s best friends suffered a stroke, she is recuperating but it devastated Matt, he helped the family as much as he could and I’m grateful that her recovery is speeding up.
Matt’s mom is not doing well and probably does not have much left either, she is almost 90 years old, and is deteriorating rapidly due to a fall in early May. Seeing how compassionate Matt has been to his friend Janet and his mother reinforces my first impressions of him; he is a kind, compassionate and empathetic person and I am lucky to be married to him. He has been spending a lot of time with his mother, assisting in her care taking, even changing her diapers and helping give her a bath when one of her attendants didn’t show up. I am humbled just to know him and it reminds me of Sonja’s strength when she took it upon herself to become my mother’s caretaker during the last month of her life. The eldest child is supposed to be the strongest and here are the babies of my two families proving me wrong.
OK, I’m crying now for the first time in two weeks. My acupuncturist told me that my crying is natural given all the recent losses, writing them down on this email has made me realize that yes, it’s a lot and I’m glad I let the tears flow instead of holding it back.
I’m still being a turtle, taking my time coming out of the shell but wanted to share with you what a magical time I had in my workshop. I’m saving money because the next one I want to go to is almost $3,000, in Hawaii, taught by Cheryl Strayed – her memoir Wild took me forever to read. I thought it was about a woman hiking the Pacific Crest Trail (it was) but the crazy hike was inspired by her quest to find herself after the death of her mother! See the themes here?
You don’t have to read the story, it’s 14 pages so no hurt feelings. Sometime next week I will work on the revision. (Lynn, you already read it but wanted to include you in the email so you can see the feedback and know I’m thinking of you).
I hope you are all doing well and know that I treasure your friendship.
Thank You all for being in my life.