My daughter will be sixteen months next week. After trying relentlessly since 2013 to get pregnant, I gave birth in 2016. It took a Reproductive Endocrinologist here in Los Angeles, a Reproductive Immunologist from New York and his Reproductive Surgeon who removed three large cysts that were undetectable with an ultrasound to get me pregnant on my fifth round of IVF. I have chronicled some of my infertility journey here and in a lot of my unpublished writing.
I found my pregnancy and now motherhood, hard to believe. That after all the struggles, physically and emotionally, I had a healthy pregnancy, an easy delivery and a super easy baby. Even through teething, Hudson has been a delight. I expected that pregnancy and motherhood would be a lot harder. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy but based on how I’ve seen family and friends struggle, I was preparing for all the bad things and none of the joy that came with pregnancy and now motherhood. I am still in awe, and sometimes feel that I’m in one of those dreams where you win the lotto and it feels so real but then you wake up and you’re not a millionaire about to quit your job and start a do-gooding foundation.
Every morning I set my alarm clock thirty minutes earlier than the time I need to wake up. My daughter still sleeps with us. She wraps herself around my right arm, using my upper arm as a pillow, I spoon her to sleep and in the middle of the night she ends up closer to Matt. When my alarm goes off and I wake up next to my husband and baby, I give THANKS to God, the Universe and all the forces that made this happen. I say a prayer of gratitude and smell my daughter’s hair, giving her light kisses while I hold my partner’s hand. I do this for about twenty minutes every morning.
Starting my day with gratitude has lessened my anxieties about family, motherhood and life in general, I think it’s why my daughter is so easy going. It’s not to say that I don’t stress about things, or that my daughter doesn’t test my patience at times. My strategy has always been to prepare for the worst case scenario but as I’ve gotten older, I realize that my worst case scenarios rarely come to fruition. I’ve learned to breathe through the chaos of life and enjoy the chaotic moments.